I love you all so much - like really, a lot! I'm literally giving you the secret sauce to my coaching. Following this framework is what brought me from suicidal to scrumptiously happy and successful. It works, when you follow it - Every. Single. Time.
For years I lived in such a tangled web of unhappy thoughts, I was ready to take my own life to escape them and, as I told myself, free my family of the burden of putting up with me. I'm more than thrilled to say those plans are long behind me. No more feeling trapped. No more comparing myself to my neighbors and feeling less-than-worthy. No more saying yes to everything to get people to like me (and living in constant overwhelm). No more waking up with the dread of living another day. NO MORE!
Today, I wake up excited for a new day of possibilities and choices. Today, I love myself for who I am, as I am. Today, I only say yes to the things I feel joyful about. Today, I wake up with appreciation for another day to live. TODAY IS A NEW DAY!
If you're wondering how I made such a drastic change, I'm sharing that with you in this article! Without even realizing it, I created a framework that pulls us out of our negative emotions, actions, and the results of those actions by changing one thing - just one.
Fear is something I've been fascinated with for as long as I can remember. I started studying it nearly two decades ago. As I learned more, the hazy confusion surrounding why we feel the way we feel and make the choices we make parted, as truth cut a light through the fog. I finally understood why I was so miserable - because I chose miserable words and thought miserable thoughts.
That was it! I simply needed to choose better words and use them in better thoughts. Once I started, my life became instantly better. I'm not saying my life became great, awesome, or perfect, nope! It became better. I needed to put in the work of deliberately choosing better words and thinking better thoughts for many, many areas of my life (okay, almost every area of my life). It took time and consistent practice, but it worked, and faster than I imagined it would. I now live a happy life, and you can too!
My framework is called The STEAR Method. I named it after stearic acid. Why, in the name of middle kingdom, would I do that? Stearic acid is an emulsifier. It acts as a bonding agent for ingredients that don't normally mix (think oil and water). When I make cookies, the eggs do the same thing (but I didn't want to call my framework EGGS...that wouldn't work well). Using the STEAR Method will take the pieces of your life that seem to be crumbling around you and bond them back together. Here's what to do...
Get out a piece of paper (or your journal) and write down the words Situation, Thoughts, Emotions, Actions, Results. This is the very simple framework we're going to be using (I told you it was simple). Next, follow the prompts below, making a heading for each of the words, as I have done in the following examples.
Situation
What is a problem or situation you've been wanting to solve?
Example: One of mine was I felt like a burden to my family. That felt like a huge problem to me.
Thoughts
When you think about this situation or problem, what thoughts come up? What are the ones you find yourself repeating a lot?
Example: I kept thinking things like, "Why do I mess everything up?" "Why can't I be as good as so-and-so?" "Why can't I lose weight?" "If only I was smarter, I could get this done faster."
Emotions
When you think those thoughts, what emotions do you feel?
Example: I felt full of shame, depressed, anxious, frustrated (we'll get more into anger emotions in another article), I felt lost and like an imposter, and my heart felt heavy.
Actions
When you feel those emotions, how do you act? What specifically do you do?
Example: I withdrew from others, pretended to be happy in public or with friends, didn't set healthy boundaries, allowed myself to be mistreated, wasn't a present, happy mother, spouse, or human.
Results
What are the results you got from those actions? Be as specific as you can.
Example: I was miserable and wanted to take my own life. My family was miserable. My kids began to model their behavior after my own. I was so caught up in my own pain, I couldn't help my children.
Now, we're going to take this and flip is on it's head!!!! You'll keep the situation the same, but everything else will change by just changing the thoughts.
Situation
This stays the same as the situation above.
Thoughts
When you think about this situation or problem, what new thoughts can you have that are positive?
Example: I changed my thoughts to, "I do my best every day" "I love who I am and who I am becoming, mistakes are a part of learning." "I am lovable and worth loving." "I have an amazing brain that remembers things well."
Emotions
When you think those thoughts, what emotions do you feel?
Example: I felt determined, happier, calmer, more valuable, my heart felt lighter.
Actions
When you feel those emotions, how do you act? What specifically do you do?
Example: I started playing with my children. I filed for divorce. I started setting healthy boundaries. I started doing things out of love and joy rather than guilt and shame.
Results
What are the results you got from those actions? Be as specific as you can.
Example: I started feeling happier as I was and for who I was. I noticed the people around me slowly start to act happier too.
Do you want to live a happy life, full of excitement and fun? You most certainly can! It's available to anyone who wants it and is willing to work at it. Feeling good just feels so good! I cannot imagine why I stayed miserable for so long when the power to change was always inside me. Following the STEAR Method will take you to a happier life.
If you need one-on-one coaching, reach out to me or you can apply on my website. I'm here to help. I love you and want you to feel happy and be successful. It is possible and it is possible for you!
Sending love!
Faith Joy (The Fear Engineer)
